Fanboy A'Hoy!/Transcript
irises in to reveal Fanboy, dressed as a pirate. He is wearing a captain's hat with a white feather on the left side, a fake black beard, an eye patch, and a peg on his left leg (the real leg is tied to his thigh). On his left shoulder is a seagull acting as a parrot. Fanboy is at a steering wheel on the Fanlair balcony Fanboy: the seagull, in pirate voice Arrr! You feel that, Polly? The wind be up. We have our heading. out to show the entire Fanlair roof is transformed into a pirate ship. In the crow's nest sits Chum Chum, also dressed as a pirate, looking through his spyglass. Chum Chum is wearing a newspaper hat, a gold earring, and a belt with a silver buckle Fanboy: camera First Mate Chumbucket! Look alive! It’s time to set sail! Chum Chum: Aye aye, Captain Fanbeard! Fanboy: Hoist the main sheet! Chum pulls down a rope, raising a bed sheet Fanboy: Now raise the fitted sheet! Chum pulls another rope, raising a bed Fanboy: First Mate Chumbucket, report! How are the bilges? Chum Chum: Scuppered! Fanboy: Hatches? Chum Chum: Battened! Fanboy: The decks? Chum Chum: Swabbed, main and poop! Fanboy: And...hmm, I'm out. I got nothing. Chum Chum: I guess we’ve done all the piratey things there is. Fanboy: Arr. Chum Chum: a list No, we’ve said "arrr." Fanboy: Then you know what that means... Fanboy and Chum Chum: Time to find buried treasure! run down through the roof slot into the Fanlair Fanboy: Now, what can we use for a treasure chest? a trap door and pulls out a treasure chest with gold doubloons I know. This treasure chest! the chest down Perfect. We'll fill this treasure chest with our most valuable stuff, then we'll go bury it and dig it up later. outside carrying the chest We'll just dump out these dusty old coins. the doubloons out Chum Chum: They don't fit in the gum machine anyway. Fanboy: They sure don't. Now we can put in some real treasure, like this! up a Man-Arctica action figure Chum Chum: Our very first action figure! it A limited edition Man-Arctica with Kung Fu tongue grip! the button on its chest. It sticks out its tongue and attaches to his right eye. He pulls it away, only to have his eye ripped up How did they not make more of these? he says this, he laughs as he puts the ripped up eye piece back in place. He then puts it in the chest Fanboy: up a swiss army knife The super deluxe multi-purpose knife that Grandpa Granboy gave me! it in the chest Chum Chum: up a maggot farm Our one-of-a-kind maggot farm, castin hand-crafted pewter! it in the chest next shows them zipping in and out putting "treasure" into the chest Fanboy: Ice Monster Crunch decoder ring! Chum Chum: Aardvarks in action trading cards! Fanboy: Glow-in-the-Dark sleep masks! Chum Chum: Candy! Fanboy: Money! Fanboy and Chum Chum: Candy money! stand before the full chest and swoon over it Fanboy: It’s...beautiful. a tear from his eye close the chest and sit on it Fanboy: '''Now we'll bury it in a super secret spot that only you and I will know! '''Chum Chum: Uh...I’ll know the secret spot? Fanboy: Uh-huh. Chum Chum: out I don't know, Fanboy! What if I’m captured by the enemy? I’ll never hold up to questioning! I’ll open up like a badly wrapped sandwich! I’m weak! Fanboy: You’re right. You arrr. pause I’ve got it! We’ll hide it wearing these. he says this, he holds up two black blindfolds. His perspective, Chum Chum grabs the first and puts it on Now even we won't know where it's buried! Genius, right? puts on his blindfold. The screen goes to black. We hear the door slam Fanboy: Marco! Chum Chum: Polo! Fanboy: Ok, just keep behind me, buddy. car horn honks Fanboy: Okay, Chum Chum, this seems like a good spot. Now just handed me that shovel and...HI-YAH! there is a thunk, a tire blows out. Lunch Lady Cram grabs the blindfold to speak Lunch Lady Cram: Hey, my car tire! go of the blindfold Chum Chum: Oops! Sorry Sir. footsteps, there is a splash. Oz grabs the blindfold, he is on the toilet Oz: Do you mind?! This bathroom is taken! Seriously. go of the blindfold Chum Chum: Oopsy. Sorry, Oz. footsteps. A cat screeches Fanboy: Perfect. Cat marks the spot. Now we dig... is heard Fanboy's alarm (narrating): Five ARRRS later. on Fanboy's map Fanboy: Okay, to find our treasure, we need to go 35 paces due north. Hmm, north. head foreward and feels some moss on his head Moss always grows facing north! Thataway, me hearty! Arrr! into a railroad crossing sign and checks the map Arrr Arrr! What’s this cursed sign doing here? It be not on the map. Chum Chum: Weird. Let’s try another direction. an unknown location... Fanboy: ...38, 39, 40. Chum Chum: Okay, according to the map, we should be standing on a tiny spit of land in the Sea of Cortez. out to show them in a bear cage Fanboy: This island's more landlocked than I expected. Let’s ask one of the locals for directions. the bear Buenos días, señor. Donde esta - AAH! look up at the bear and it roars. The boys scream and the bear attacks them another unknown location... Fanboy: 33, 34, 35...jackpot! Chum Chum: sniff Smells like a chamber pot. out to reveal they're back in Oz's bathroom Oz: Do you guys mind? I have to finish before mother takes a shower. Chum Chum: Fanboy, I think there's something wrong with this map. Fanboy: Lemme see. his eye patch and studies the map Oh, Chum Chum! This is the decoy map! The one we made to lead crooks away from our awesome treasure! Chum Chum: Ohhhh. Then where did we put our real map? to the boys burying the treasure. Chum Chum comes in with the real map Chum Chum: How about this treasure map? Fanboy: Toss it in. Chum throws the map into the chest and closes it of flashback Chum Chum: Now we don’t have a map. And there’s no way to find our treasure ever again! stomps in front of Chum Chum Fanboy: Oh, there be a way, Chumbucket. We’re gonna dig up this whole blasted town! Arrr! Oz: Ahem. A little privacy please? Fanboy: Oop, sorry. C’mon, Chumbucket. leave Oz: Ooh, low on TP. Do you still need that map? throw the decoy map in Oz's face graveyard, that night. F&C are leaning against the tree that looks like a foot Fanboy: I thought that funeral would never end. Chum Chum: Yeah. How many friends can a goldfish have? Fanboy: Now let’s find that treasure. starts digging. Suddenly, Yo pops out! Yo: Treasure? Fanboy and Chum Chum: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Yo: Did I hear someone mention treasure? Fanboy: I'm sorry, Yo, but no, I don't recall a conversation of that nature. Do you, Chum Chum? Chum Chum: down We buried all our best stuff, and now we can’t find it. So we have to dig everywhere in town for it! Fanboy: Chum Chum! Chum Chum: I told you I’d never hold up to questioning! I'm weak! Yo: Ooh! Buried treasure! I’ll help you dig...for a share of the loot! Fanboy: Yo ho ho NO, Yo! It belongs to us! Yo: Oh. Okay. I understand. I guess I’ll just have to... megaphone TELL EVERYONE I SEE ABOUT YOUR SECRET -- Fanboy: his hand over Yo's mouth Fine. We’ll divide the treasure three ways. appears, he is levitating above them Kyle: Oooh. Did you say... r's "treasure"? Chum Chum: No, we said, "treas-ure". Kyle: descends Oooh, even better. I want in. Fanboy: Okay. Four ways. But that is it! next day at the Fanlair ship. It is crowded with kids, and they're all dressed like pirates Fanboy: Okay, seventeen ways, but THAT IS IT! Just me, Chum Bucket... across the gang as Fanboy addresses them Fanboy: Scurvy Duke, One-Eyed Cheech, Captain Chuggy LaFoote... Chris Chuggy: with sword in mouth Fanboy: Blackbeard... Lupe: Arr. Fanboy: Whitebeard... Mitzi: in pirate tone Fanboy: Redbeard... Kyle: his bandana It's Scarlet. Fanboy: Peppy the Hook... Cher: pom poms Arrg! Fanboy: Briney Pugwash... Scrivener Elf: Hey, arg! Fanboy: Nancy the Pancy... Nancy: and gives shooting motion Arr! Fanboy: Diablito... Fankylechum: Ar! Fanboy: The Dancing Dutchman... Michael: a little dance Hoo! Fanboy: Lady Revenge... Yo: Yo, ho, ho! Fanboy: Sharkbait... Precious: in pirate tone Fanboy: Bilgerat Bernice... Francine: Whatever arg. Fanboy: at Dollarnator And... Dollarnator: Artificially Intelligent Robotic Life Form from the Future...beard. Fanboy: up onto the ship's post to address everyone All righty, me hearties, if ye be ready for treasure, say "aye"! Crew: ARRR! Fanboy: Close enough. Treasure, ho! the roof-ship breaks off and goes down to the road. Everyone paddles with their oars Everyone: Yo ho! Yo ho! Yo ho! Yo ho! until after the town is dug up the street, we see shovels digging up a trench in the street. The "Yo ho"-ing slowly begins to grow more tired Fanboy: Lean into it, buckos! That treasure ain’t gonna dig itself up! Be the shovel, me hearties! Arr! bus falls into the trench. Chum Chum looks at the Frosty Mart through his spyglass. Inside... Lenny: snoring door opens and the ship goes by Fanboy: C’mon and dig, ya lily-livered scalliwags! mart tilts into the trench and everything slides with it, even Lenny, who screams the school... Hank: ...And that’s when Isaac Newton discovered figs. ship goes by Any ques...WHOA! into the trench Stupid gravity. entire city is dug up, and cars and buildings are falling into it roof-ship is now back where it was. The crew is exhausted and hot as F&C look disheartened Fanboy: Huh. I don’t understand it. We dug up the whole town, but still no treasure. What arr we gonna do? Chum Chum: I dunno, but we better do it soon. Me thinks the crew be getting restless. perspective, the crew is disgruntled and impatient. They grumble and stare at them evilly. Kyle cracks his knuckles while Fankylechum sharpens his shovel on a grinding wheel Fanboy: Blow me down! There be mutiny in their eyes! We be done for! Chum Chum: Uh...quick! Tell them about the treasure again! Fanboy: onto the post Mateys, I know we be stuck in the doldrums, but don’t forget what we’re fighting for: treasure! gang starts to get chipper again Francine: Thar better be gold in there. Or I’ll be totally, like, "arrg". Fanboy: Gold?! Why there be enough gold to choke a kraken! Yo: Will there be jewels? Tiny, adorable, precious jewels?! Fanboy: Jewels as tiny and precious as Chuggy’s brain. he says this, he shows Chuggy's tiny brain, everyone swoons. Chuggy swallows his brain back Lupe: Ith there-- out beard hair from her mouth pirate beard wax? Fanboy: Enough to smooth a thousand chins. Dollarnator/Scrivener Elf/Kyle/Duke/Fankylechum: Ooooh! Mitzi: bleats Kyle: And will there be decorative soaps, with fancy perfumes?! gang stares confused. Kyle notices them and quickly rephrases himself Kyle: Excuse me for taking pride in my personal hygiene. out of the scene Fanboy: It be the most amazing treasure of all time, housed in a wooden chest with a silver hasp and a satin polyurethane finish! Lupe: Like this one? over to F&C's treasure chest. On it lays Yo's cat sleeping. The cat has an "X" painted on its belly Fanboy: Oh, well, yeah. Chum Chum: the chest and scares the cat away Captain Fanbeard! The treasure! Fanboy: Well, blown me down! So it tis! It’s been here the whole time! Then that must mean... Fanboy and Chum Chum: We buried the decoy treasure. Fanboy: Funny story, guys. You’re gonna like this. Crew: Treasure! open the chest Cheech/Yo/Lupe/Kyle/Nancy: Oooooh. pause EWWWW! of the treasure. Garbage is everywhere along with it Fanboy: Our treasure! Just as we left it. Chum Chum: It be even more beautiful than I remembered! Kyle: Beautiful? It’s...horrid! Everything’s broken and covered with sticky gum! Dollarnator: the Man-Arctica action figure This collectible action figure has been chewed by a human mouth. Analysis: beep Worthless. Chum Chum: the figure back Oooh. Yummy. The feet are the best! You can’t stop with just one. the figure Yo: out a necklace with a candy on it What? A candy necklace with only one candy left? Fanboy: Is there still one left? We thought it was just wet string. mimic the "spaghetti kiss" as they gobble the candy up Chris Chuggy: a button and sniffs it Wh-wh-wha? Chum Chum: My lucky button! Swallowed twice, but always comes out good as new! Hey, where’s our maggot farm? Fanboy: I dunno. But check out these cool new flies! maggots fly out of the chest. The crew turns toward them evily Lupe: We dig all day... chest for a box of garbage?! Fanboy: Well, a share of the garbage. Shall we divvy up the booty? crew starts to approach them Crew/Yo: Get them! But Chum Chum’s mine! Fanboy: Hold on. This is your captain speaking. Arrgh. Aah! to black back up to see F&C tied up Chum Chum: Well, I guess we found the one pirate thing we’ve never done before. out to show that they have to walk the plank. The angry crew have their swords pointing at them Chum Chum: Walking the plank! Fanboy: Right ye arrr, Chumbucket. Now, I’m thinking, aim for that sewage geyser. It will probably break our fall. they jump off the plank. A ghyser gushes as Yo and Lupe walk on the plank to look down at them Fanboy: off-camera Ooh, that is some raw sewage. out, centered on Yo and Lupe Category:Transcripts